Candy Coated Mind Control

Today is an oddly taxing day, mentally—the end of the week but not the end of the stress, as I’ve got a rush-hour 200-plus mile journey north that will simply stretch my long and mentally draining week into the wee hours.

So, it makes sense, then, that my early a.m. news infusion routine seemed to be about the joy of stuffing one’s face to avoid the painful fact that we are all, indeed, joined at the ever-widening hip on the downward spiral along this mortal coil, and I find myself feeling nauseous and hungry at the same time.

First, SF uber writer man Mark Morford tackles the Jedi mind control tricks researchers are perfecting to get American porkers to put down the Twinkie:

Convincing them they got sick when they were kids on fat-laden junk food.

Now, I have painful, gut-wrenching memories of getting sick on chicken chow mein, but, except for the chicken part, I’m not adverse to Chinese food.

Unless, that is, my very aversion to meat and meat-products was, in fact, induced by aforementioned youngster puke-fest.

Yet somehow I just can’t help but think that the more ideal sitch is to just eat less crap, and move about a bit more.

And no, shifting your corpulent mass to a more centered position on the ass-donut in your SUV in order to reach out the window for your McFattyPatty-burger and fat fucker fries ain’t what I’m talking about, porky.

But, then again, maybe it’s a battle we’re all doomed to lose one way or the other. I mean, for chrissakes, M&Ms has just introduced its latest addition to its ever-expanding bottom… er…. product line: 55 percent bigger adult M&Ms.

GEE! That’s so exciting, because, you know, when I was but a wee one, thinking about how cool and wonderful it would be when I was finally all grown up, I did, indeed, lament the loss of such youthful pursuits as hopscotch, Tom&Jerry and, of course, small girl-sized candy.

Not.

Yet, according to the PR hacks in charge of this candy-coated train wreck:

"Adults have said they like a bigger bite-sized product with bigger bite-sized taste," said Martyn Wilks, president for the Masterfoods USA snack food division. "This is definitely for a subset of our target market."

You’re fucking kidding me!!!

What a load of horse shit!

Not to mention the intelligence insulting oxymoron: bigger bite-sized taste.

Erm, so, yeah, if M&Ms at their original size are considered bite-sized, then the big bertha version must be, oh, I dunno: too big to be bite-sized and therefore considered, what, like snarf sized??!!?

It makes my head spin, and my wallet clamp shut like an angry sphincter (play with that visual for a while, why dontcha’!)

But hey, according to the Times, at least the money-grubbing whores at Hackettstown, N.J.-based Masterfoods have our best interests at heart:

not only are the new fatty-blatty candy balls bigger, they go along with every hue and shade of the average suburbanite’s Toyota Camry:

“And the colors of Mega M&M's are meant to appeal to more mature audiences; the regular hues like red, green, yellow and blue are being supplanted by shades like maroon, gold, beige and teal.”

I hear they’re planning on expanding their offerings to include matching muu-muus.